Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
