You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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