I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
