You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize