just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
