oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
