just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
