I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
