He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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