Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
