don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
