a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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