Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
