you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
