oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
