foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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