I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize