I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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