my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
