Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
