I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
