i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I pour the whiskey from now on
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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