thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
