Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
