the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
