I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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