My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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