You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
