the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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