i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
