found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
