Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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