My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
