Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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