Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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