And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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