it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
