It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
