Plan B is the new Plan A
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
