sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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