just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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