I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
