I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
