Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
