True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
