Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
its not stalking. its research.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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