She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
