She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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