They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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