You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
