I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
