after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize