i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
