I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
