so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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