The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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