life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
