I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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