need another drink. this is the easiest way
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
