Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
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