I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
