I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
